If my 3YO’s fortune was “you will eat the paper inside the cookie and then cry about it for 2 hrs,” this Chinese restaurant is VERY accurate

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“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car


Wife: Could you be dehydrated?

Me: Of course not.

W: How much water have you had?

Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.

W: Wow.

Me: Told you.


The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.


Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it


Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.


I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST


I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.


Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.


[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]

Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.


Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.