I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
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[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.