@MUMSIEesq

If my 3YO’s fortune was “you will eat the paper inside the cookie and then cry about it for 2 hrs,” this Chinese restaurant is VERY accurate

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@smithsara79

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

@briancthayer

Wife: Could you be dehydrated?

Me: Of course not.

W: How much water have you had?

Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.

W: Wow.

Me: Told you.

@kelkulus

The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.

@onlxn

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it

@mommajessiec

Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.

@chuuew

I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST

@junejuly12

I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.

@FilthyRichmond

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]

Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.

@Mike_Bianchi

Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.