If my 56 y/o brain was in my 16 y/o body, my first order of business would be empowering myself. Then … fake ID.
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Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
the three branches of government
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.