@LurkAtHomeMom

If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

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@Fred_Delicious

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”

@GretchenVB

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

@charmfoz

The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.

@DanSpenser

Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:

William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black

@click4amanda

Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???

@mommajessiec

Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.

@bonita_bish

Mfers with a cartoon avi saying “I prefer you without makeup”

Ok Shrek.

@GHardstark

you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”

@GuyEndoreKaiser

Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?