If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

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[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”


*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*



The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.


Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:

William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black


Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???


Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.


Mfers with a cartoon avi saying “I prefer you without makeup”

Ok Shrek.


you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”


Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?