If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
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I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
I’d … I’d rather not.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood