If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
You Might Also Like
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
How many? 🤔
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I hate it when you ask what you thought was a simple question in a meeting at work, and it turns into another meeting.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account