If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
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If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.