If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
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Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
if a cop pulls u over play dead
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.