Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
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Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I’m not being creepy but i can see thru my binoculars that your family portrait is hanging crooked on your wall
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
No one uses the word “ducking”. No one.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
I finally decided to unfollow someone who hasn’t tweeted in a year. They’ll probably come back tomorrow & make me look like a real c**t.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.