If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

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Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred


Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries


moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend


I’m not being creepy but i can see thru my binoculars that your family portrait is hanging crooked on your wall


JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex

ME: lol

JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby

ME: what

JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again

ME: stop


You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.


A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave


I finally decided to unfollow someone who hasn’t tweeted in a year. They’ll probably come back tomorrow & make me look like a real c**t.