If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
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If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN