@delusionaliam

If my calculations are correct, slinky + escalator = everlasting fun.

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@Brianhopecomedy

Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.

@LLBadge

My GPS just did a shoulder shrug and said, “uhm, take a left here?” This can’t be good.

@AndreyasAsylum

I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.

@R_A_Dadass

Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.

@captainkalvis

[first day as a demon] *rotating my head around 360 degrees* WEEEEEE

@pleatedjeans

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

@HeyZeus666

Fatherhood Tip : If there’s puke in your coat pocket and poop on your shoulder, you’re holding the baby upside down.

@moprob1ems

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Me:

@fro_vo

Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend

@BrainPornNinja

If you line up all your ex lovers in a row you can see the flow chart of your mental illness