If my calculations are correct, slinky + escalator = everlasting fun.

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Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.


My GPS just did a shoulder shrug and said, “uhm, take a left here?” This can’t be good.


I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.


Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.


[first day as a demon] *rotating my head around 360 degrees* WEEEEEE


[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]


Fatherhood Tip : If there’s puke in your coat pocket and poop on your shoulder, you’re holding the baby upside down.


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Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend


If you line up all your ex lovers in a row you can see the flow chart of your mental illness