Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
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*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Is fake venison called venisn’t
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”