I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
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Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.