If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.

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[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages


Had a fight with a janitor once, wiped the floor with him


My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.


NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers


The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.


*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*

Me: want a piece?

Her: wrong, whole.


Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.


The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.


*at an AA meeting*

“Hi, I’m Andy and I have a drinking problem. I have 2 hands and only 1 mouth. Lol.”

*gets aggressively escorted out*


Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.

Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.