Every Facebook post:
*Girl posts lyrics*
Elderly woman comments “Hi lucy. you’re so grown up. We miss you. Tell your mom ill call Wednesday”
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
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Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ?I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ?Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ?In an octopus’s garden
Ten Ways To Tell If Your Kitchen Is Haunted:
1.) Flying forks
2.) Pre-fried eggs
3.) Fridge moaning/wailing
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget