If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
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My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
#MeanwhileinCanada
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.