@poizngrl

If my children are any indication of how much I talk, I would now like to apologize to any man I’ve ever dated…EVER

You Might Also Like

@UrplePingo

In honor of Columbus Day I’m going to drive around until I get lost then make myself at home in the first clearly inhabited house I find

@sixfootcandy

[Seeing your baby for the first time]

Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.

Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.

@10InchesPlus

“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”

– “We should call it AAAA!”

“You’re fired.”

@ShutUpThatsWho

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..

@KentWGraham

My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.

@mrtruthandsoul

5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.

@robfee

The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.

@fro_vo

[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this