@QwertyJones3

If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.

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@zachreinert03

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

@krisv_723

Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.

@drinksmcgee

Her: I can’t believe how good of a listener you are! What’s your secret?
Me: Percocets.

@avainwordland

Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!

Also me: Not like that!

@dafloydsta

WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid

ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen

@TuSoonShakur

Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*

@eedrk

It takes a big man to apologize, and it takes a small man to climb into a suitcase. all sizes of men have their power

@WritePlay

My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.