in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
You Might Also Like
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?