If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
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Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.