If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
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20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Running from your problems is cardio .
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.