@simoncholland

If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.

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@kimt205

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

@1evilidiot

I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.

@Dani21013

“Can I substitute my side salad for a bowl of gravy?”
-Me, at any drive thru

@seancoleran

Girlfriend: Why is this broom broken? Did you draw a lightning bolt on the cat? Are you writing with a feather?

Me: Muggles….

@RidiculousSheri

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

@misfarber

The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again

Well, maybe we should get rid of it

The plant? But we just got it

. . .Haha yeah, the plant

@FredTaming

temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now

a dragon: i see

@tiemoose

FRODO: what is it?

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam

[literally one step later]

SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been

FRODO: wait no

@drunkNnaughty

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.