If my dog barks at you we can’t be friends, also, I hate you too.

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If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food


driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself


Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”


AMERICAN SNIPER is, without a doubt, the most violent entry in the AMERICAN PIE series


“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color


My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”


[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…


The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone


hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim


divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭