Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
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I want to meet the individual who made this
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.