What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
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[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
bears
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.