[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
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When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?