@ninjadinosaur1

If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.

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@_squiggz

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

@KeetPotato

me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”

@Girl_Censored

A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.

@Maxine12333

Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.

@Elifcello

I switched my cellphone to ‘airplane mode’ and threw it up into the air.. must tell you: WORST. TRANSFORMER. EVER.

@elunatyk

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[prison fight]

Prisoner: *pulls out spoon shank*

Other prisoner: *pulls out toothbrush shank*

Me: *frantically sucking candy cane*

@mack44_d

Me: ‘Goodnight.’

Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’

@Daniel_Sloss

Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!