If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
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Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
🖤✌🏽
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…