If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
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When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.