@GinAndJif

If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.

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@VikingBut

Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril

@JessObsess

ME: How are you?

“I can’t complain”

ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough

@ellewasamistake

so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*

@DepecheALAmode

Guy at the gym had “True Gentleman” tattooed on his arm. I was about to make fun of him, but he held the door for me as I left. Great guy.

@2Saddington

[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]

person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops

@NurseMurderer

my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope

@HomeProbably

When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.

I know that now.

@ojedge

Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?