Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
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ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Guy at the gym had “True Gentleman” tattooed on his arm. I was about to make fun of him, but he held the door for me as I left. Great guy.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?