If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
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“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
How I like cutting carbs
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??