Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer : What are your expectations?

Me : Job.

Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?

Me : Salary

I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.

I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.

If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.

Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.

And I’ve said too much.

You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance

Fun Fact:

Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.

A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.

wife: I saw a baby on the way to work

me: how do you know?

wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?

me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?

wife: what

Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.

I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine

Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?

I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible

I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.

This 4th of July, please remember…

Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’

Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.

Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday

Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*

fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is

scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask

fred: really no idea who it is

scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–

fred: just no way to know

[at the cheesecake factory]

me: I will have the cheesecake

waiter: okay

Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.

Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

Me- Wished I was an adult

“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛

goldiesglobe

“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”

They haven’t.

I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.

*looking in The Mirror of Erised*

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.

Walgreens guy: You still need to leave

4yo: I had a dream about u mommy

Me: I feel so special

4yo: I flushed u down the toilet

Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.

…u ok Nintendo?