“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
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Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Eastern Europe – 1989
“If we leave the Soviet Union, we might have to get visas to visit Siberia and turnips will be more expensive”
Mom: Why didn’t you answer your phone?
M: I was in a lecture.
Mom: Where are you now?
M: Walking the dog.
Mom: You need better excuses.
M: It’s the truth.
Mom: Then put the dog on.