If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
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(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money