@HatfieldAnne

If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.

You Might Also Like

@jordan_stratton

“I want frog legs.”

-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever

@McNarstle

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

@drewjanda

It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found

@CAshmanActor

gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*

@AmericanGent69

{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok

@LurkAtHomeMom

Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.

@ElgatoEsmio

My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.

@Holbornlolz

Eastern Europe – 1989

“If we leave the Soviet Union, we might have to get visas to visit Siberia and turnips will be more expensive”

@JustDontBugMe

Mom: Why didn’t you answer your phone?
M: I was in a lecture.
Mom: Where are you now?
M: Walking the dog.
Mom: You need better excuses.
M: It’s the truth.
Mom: Then put the dog on.