If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
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Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
*exercises sarcastically*
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite