if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
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You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
DOOO EEEET
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
I just tested negative for patience.