If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.

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Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive

Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL

Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.


I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you


today a 6 yr old girl asked me if butterflies are flowers that escaped & i was like yo what is yr twitter handle


If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.


Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.


Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’


Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad


It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.


I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.

… And while you’re down there…