If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
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Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
OMG 🤣🤣
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE