If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
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Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you