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@HatfieldAnne

Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.

@Brianhopecomedy

Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?

@AlisonLeiby

Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.

@JohnLyonTweets

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

@TheToddWilliams

[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles

@Andee_Stewart

My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.

Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.

@dafloydsta

FRIEND: Women like an adventure
ME: Okay
[later on phone]
ME: Are you having fun?
DATE: *clearly upset* YOU LEFT ME IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE

@jobless4eyes

What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!