What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
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I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Is your wife single?
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.