@Carbosly

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

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@kumailn

If Watergate happened today it would be called Watergategate.

@wesjohnson8

62% of swimmers say they pee in the ocean……. now you know why SpongeBob is yellow.

@robfee

I stopped using Hotmail, it’s not for me. I’d rather have an average mail with a pleasant sense of humor and a fulfilling career.

@sammontgomery

Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.

@MomOnFire

Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.

@punmagnate

IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”

@paperphotoyo

Being a parent means you have to make gigantic sacrifices like quality sleep and the backs to every remote control in your house.

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.

Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi

@thepoetknight

*pays $20 for deluxe car wash*

*hits roughly 3,287,998 bugs during 2 mile drive home*

@AndyAsAdjective

ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!

6YR OLD: what are we having?

ME: you’ll like it! trust me!

6: I ain’t falling for that shit again