@Carbosly

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

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@aissalanis

Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*

Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood

@Thedudish

The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.

@lovemydogduck

My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???

@weinerdog4life

Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.

@ericsshadow

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

@sarah1mc

Note to self:

Do NOT try shopping for a pearl necklace online. Ever. Again.

@MomOnFire

Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.

@rn_murse

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.