If Watergate happened today it would be called Watergategate.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
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62% of swimmers say they pee in the ocean……. now you know why SpongeBob is yellow.
I stopped using Hotmail, it’s not for me. I’d rather have an average mail with a pleasant sense of humor and a fulfilling career.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Being a parent means you have to make gigantic sacrifices like quality sleep and the backs to every remote control in your house.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
*pays $20 for deluxe car wash*
*hits roughly 3,287,998 bugs during 2 mile drive home*
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again