If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
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“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.