Ten Ways To Tell If Your Kitchen Is Haunted:
1.) Flying forks
2.) Pre-fried eggs
3.) Fridge moaning/wailing
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
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People that say “The worst kind of cut is a paper cut” probably haven’t been stabbed in the face before.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.
ME: [hesitantly] You’re… an ambulance.
DAD: I’m- I’m so proud of you, son [dies]