@McGrumpenstein

If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.

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@briancthayer

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

@Alex_N_Chains

“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”

– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy

@natedog2049

What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?

@markydoodoo

Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?

Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.

@capricecrane

What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”

What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”

@LOsepyan

I feel like life would be so much more enjoyable if punching bags and pinatas were strategically placed throughout the day

@squirrel74wkgn

My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.

@Swain_Train47

My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”

@moutheaters

[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler