If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
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Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
secret recipe
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
WHO DID THIS?
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)