*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
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*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
uh oh
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich