@Marlebean

If my kids made a Lego Movie song

Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream

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@BostonFanJosh

Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.

@mommajessiec

Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

@SaraESpivey

I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him

GOD, I hope he calls me.

@UtilityLimb

Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE

@RBColl

Have you ever looked at someone’s phone’s selfie wallpaper and look at the owner and look again at their selfie and back again to the owner?

@ColoChiver

Is life fair? Short answer: No. Long answer: Noooooooooooooooooooo.

@aotakeo

daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?

me: absolutely

daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done

@MondayPajamas

Her: I think my IUD came loose and is floating around in there

Me: C’mere, I drop my guitar pick in the sound hole all the time, no problem

@AristotlesNZ

Me: *opens door* Yes?
Him: Hi. Can I have a minute of your time to talk to you about The Lord?
Me: ..Of The Rings?
Him: Uh No..
*door slam*