If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
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Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
The human personality is made of five key elements
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die