If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
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“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
This kid in target fell on the ground screaming bc his mom wouldn’t buy him candy
& now she’s yelling for us both to get up and be quiet.
Dentist: *Pokes gums with sharp pointy instrament of death* Dentist: “Your gums are bleeding because you don’t floss.”
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Spend hours getting screaming baby to sleep.
Check on sleeping baby.
Can’t hear breathing…prod sleeping baby
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.