If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
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HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Not all heroes wear capes…
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
we’re dead?
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?