{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
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A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
why no one uses midhusbands
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop