If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
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Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.