Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
You Might Also Like
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.