@AnkCoupleTO: If my mom had just faked having a headache I wouldn't be writing this bullshit on the internet right now
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@Ron_White: The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
@AndyAsAdjective: [my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get] ME: *does Madonna's Vogue choreography for 45 min*
@KalvinMacleod: A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
@KenJennings: Steal your neighbors' garden gnome. Send them a series of photos of the gnome lurking near various truck stop men's rooms.