What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
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Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
A family that plays together cheats.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun