@AnkCoupleTO

If my mom had just faked having a headache I wouldn’t be writing this bullshit on the internet right now

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@robdelaney

Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.

@SteveKoehler22

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

@GrowlyGrego

A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.

@Sophie2078

Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.

@markydoodoo

They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.

@JXESAID

my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is

@NintenDom

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.

@professorkiosk

God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.