It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
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I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Solving a traffic jam
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop