If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
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I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.