If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.

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People say being a parent is the most rewarding job in the world, like they went out and really compared it to being a bear trainer or a magician or a murder clown.


45 minutes on the treadmill and I didn’t die. I’ll turn it on next time.


Petting my dog with a spatula cause I’m too lazy to reach and he is too lazy to move closer

Why is there a spatula in my room?


pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”


Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.

How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop


They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”


Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.


911: what’s your emergency

me: i think a girl gave me a fake number

911: omg who answered when you called it

me: you did


Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.