If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.

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ME: Is this chicken cooked?

WAITER: Why do you ask?

ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.


I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.


Huffington Post says all that passive aggressive behavior can harm your marriage.

In other obvious news, water is wet and the sun is hot.


Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?

I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful


If Paula Deen’s new cookbook isn’t titled ‘Fifty Shades of Gravy’, I’m going to lose a considerable amount of money on the bet I just made.


Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*


WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep

ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working


*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*