@yonewt

If my neighbor’s front yard is historically accurate baby Jesus was also visited by Spiderman

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@DevilryFun

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

@UnFitz

Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.

Me: Touché.

@DirtMcTurd

Just reported a car as being stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the rear window are white.

@pauleggleston

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘?????2.54???.’

@Slygirl08

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

@ronaldravegan

when i was a young boy my father had what he called the bean jar. it was a jar full of brown and black beans. whenever we misbehaved, he would remove one and tell us that once the jar was empty, the world would end

@weinerdog4life

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

@Tommytoughstuff

[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.

@my_minivan_life

Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.

@perlhack

Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake