Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
If my neighbor’s front yard is historically accurate baby Jesus was also visited by Spiderman
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Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Just reported a car as being stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the rear window are white.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘?????2.54???.’
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
when i was a young boy my father had what he called the bean jar. it was a jar full of brown and black beans. whenever we misbehaved, he would remove one and tell us that once the jar was empty, the world would end
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake