“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
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of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
did it work
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes