If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
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Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
when someone rings the doorbell
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic