If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
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You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.