If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

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Omg, I love where this is going.

~Me hearing a good recipe.


I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”


Boss: How were your weekends?

Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team

Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter

Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly


crazy how after i got my braces off i never heard from my orthodontist again…like no calls no nothin…no guidance…am i still on the right track Dr. Payne please answer it’s been ten years I need you


My 8yo knows exactly how many hours are left until Christmas but can’t remember to flush the toilet.


You’re like a dressing room

You make me want to take my clothes off and try things


Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.


Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes


PRO TIP: If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.


Me: Bless me Father for I have sinned.

Priest: How long since your last confession, my son?

Me: About 45 minutes.