@MelvinofYork

If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

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@handsock_butts

best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us

me: I can do it

best friend: thanks man!

[after the wedding]

best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time

me: actually it’s a recorder

@vvvolte

does anyone know what to do if you carve a pumpkin that is too scary. i cant go in my kitchen

@mstern68

Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it

Brain: This makes sense right now

Body: We’re on board

Pavement: Come at me bro

@kelkulus

Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.

Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.

@hellohappy_time

CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE

@Brianhopecomedy

Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.

@Angrea

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.

@sixfootcandy

Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?