If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
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Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats