@squirrel74wkgn

If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”

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@RunOldMan

Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Just for once I wanna be able to explain after I say “I can explain.”

@Diversion50

“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.

@Smiilze

Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.

@_davidlucas_

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

@CarbonatedCB

The best way to have self-control with queso dip in the house is to forget to hide it from your family and let them get to it first

@GaryJanetti

A new study shows body-image issues start as young as 3. How awful. That means 2-year-olds with gross bodies think they look okay.

@KylePlantEmoji

Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure

Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?

@outsmartedmommy

Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.

@NightValeRadio

Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?